Elf on the Shelf: A (Bloody Annoying) Christmas Tradition

Once upon a time there were 2 elves who went to stay with a loving tolerant family in Northern Ireland.

The elves looked as though they might be suffering from rickets and were completely incapable of bearing weight on their light, flimsy and rather shitty legs.

They also happened to have no feet or kneecaps, which was cumbersome.

Aside from non-load-bearing legs, the elves were also morally opposed to remaining in any form of seated position, which often attracted spicy language from the mum of the family they were staying with.

One day the elves overheard the mum telling her children that 2 surprise visitors had arrived from the North Pole!

The elves chuckled quietly to themselves remembering how they had been lorry loaded out of a factory in the Guangdong Province of China just a few days prior.

Now children, you must give your elves very special names!” said the mother. The children chose “Thomas” and “Sarah,” which again made the elves laugh softly, knowing full well that their real names were “Overpriced” and “F**king Annoying Tw*t” or F.A.T. for short (the irony was not lost on the malnourished elf).

Each night, when the family went to bed, Overpriced and F.A.T. enjoyed free run of the rather untidy family home.

Jaysus F.A.T., the state of this place, they won’t notice if we trash it will they?!” said Overpriced.

But F.A.T. wasn’t listening. He had dreams of performing with the Ladyboys of Bangkok and spent his nights practicing dance routines in earnest and dreaming of having strong, muscular legs.

Presently, a giant hand reached down, scooped up Overpriced and F.A.T. and set them among the branches of a Christmas tree that had been strewn with toilet paper.

Brilliant,” muttered Overpriced sarcastically, “another one with the imagination of a lamp post. Bet we’ll be in a shoe train tomorrow night.

When Christmas Eve finally arrived, the elves overheard the mum muttering something about being clucking glad they would be leaving, as she swigged wine from a plastic My Little Pony cup and internally evaluated her life choices.

The elves noticed that she was brandishing a potato peeler and grew worried. It was somewhat of a relief to Overpriced and F.A.T. when they were thrown to the back of a dusty wardrobe the next day.

And there they stayed for the next 11 months, spending their days making long distance phone calls, drinking Scotch and thanking their lucky stars that they still had their faces.

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