Merlot (A Gruffalo Parody)

A frazzled mum took a stroll through a hellishly congested Tesco.

Yoga Mum saw her looking unsure where to go.

Oh hello Frazzled Mum, are you looking for green beans?

I’m sure I saw some near the kumquats and Chia Seeds!”

“Nope” the frazzled mum said, “It is not so,

I am on the hunt for a bottle of Merlot!”

Merlot? What’s Merlot?”

“Merlot! Why, didn’t you know?

It’s a delicious red wine that’s most helpful when,

You’ve had to bring your kids to the supermarket again.”

Wine has too many calories,” Yoga Mum said.

“I’d much rather have wild berries instead.”

“Each to their own (you sanctimonious so and so),

Now out of my way so I can find my Merlot!”

Frazzled Mum was having “dawdler rage” in the hellishly congested Tesco,

When Pinterest Mum saw her looking unsure where to go.

Hello Frazzled Mum, are you looking for glitter glue?

I found some in aisle number 2!

“No Pinterest Mum, Aisle 2 isn’t where I need to go,

I’m actually looking for some Merlot.”

Merlot?” asked Pinterest Mum, “What’s Merlot?

“Merlot! Why, didn’t you know?

It’s silky red and helps me unwind,

After a day of listening to 3 children whine!”

You should try spending all day doing crafts at home!”

We’re planning to make a frame for a handwritten poem!

“Truth be told, I have an aversion to glitter,

Hoovering it from the radiators has made me bitter.”

Frazzled Mum was having the back sweats in the hellishly congested Tesco,

When Poshy McPoshface Mum saw her looking unsure where to go.

Someone needs expensive cream for their wrinkles and lines,

I send our nanny to John Lewis for mine!

“For expensive face cream I just don’t have the dough,

I’m only after a £6 bottle of Merlot.”

Merlot! What’s Merlot?!

“Merlot! Why, didn’t you know?

It helps me relax at the end of the day.

And keeps impending insanity at bay.”

Why, I only drink Champagne from the Champagne region of France,

(Because I’m a f**king fancy pants).”

“Have it your way, you conceited cow,

I’m off to get a low budget bottle of red now.”

But…what is this sign on the shelf just in sight?

This sign is saying something’s not right!

This sign says they’ve no more; it cannot be so!

This sign says they’ve…..RUN OUT OF MERLOT!

Just then the rattle of bottles came near,

And hope began to dispel the mum’s fear,

For there came an assistant with a cage stacked high

With clinking bottles of delicious red wine.

Is this what you need?” the shop assistant said,

The mum grabbed it so forcibly the poor man fled.

Frazzled Mum left Tesco with her bottle of red,

She lasted half a glass then went to bed.



  1. 9th January 2018 / 10:32 pm

    Amazing! The real version of motherhood twisted into a classic kids tale. So well written and bloody brilliant!

  2. 10th January 2018 / 9:50 am

    Brilliant, I’ve definitely bumped into all of those mums in my years of being a mum!! #fortheloveofblog

  3. The Mummy Bubble
    10th January 2018 / 11:42 am

    AMAZING! Laughed all through this one, love this. However whenever I read my kids the Gruffalo now this is all I’ll have in my head, then I’ll just want a glass of wine, haha x #fortheloveofBLOG

  4. 10th January 2018 / 5:14 pm

    Once again, hilarious. Love It! #fortheloveBLOG

  5. 11th January 2018 / 6:17 am

    Fantastic Jemma, actually breaking my heart laughing here. This is beyond brilliant!!!! This love story is one close to my heart! #merlotandme #wineoclock

  6. 11th January 2018 / 12:44 pm

    Is it wrong that this made me want wine in the middle of the day? Very funny

  7. 13th January 2018 / 8:14 pm

    Haha oh this is brilliant, I don’t even drink merlot but now I want some too, after all my blog name is one frazzled mum, it must be what I am missing to help me out 😉 #blogcrush

  8. 15th January 2018 / 10:55 pm

    Funny! Off for a glass of wine now! Thanks!

  9. 16th January 2018 / 9:01 am

    Hahaha so funny! And this line especially made me giggle – “I’m a properly annoying fancy pants.” But I love a story with a happy ending 🙂 Enjoy your Merlot! #blogcrush

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