Swimming Lessons – Unhelpful Tips for Survival

Today is Swimming Lesson Thursday. I start dreading it at lunchtime on Mondays. Obviously, it’s great for the kids to know how to save themselves from death and all but it’s an hour of hell in my week.

To help anyone else struggling with chlorine-based chaos, I’ve put together some tips (you’re welcome):-

1. Travel to the equator for a few days, before the swimming lesson. This will help your body acclimatise to the temperature of the changing rooms.

2. Buy an angry and slightly damp octopus from eBay and practice putting clothes on it. Teach it to whinge and demand crisps in front of other healthy, clean-living octopuses.

3. Catch a few Broadway shows beforehand. This will help you to rationalise the extreme parents, who look a verruca sock away from throwing themselves into the pool and crying, ‘My child! My hero!’ when their kid goes down from 10 discs on each arm to a mere 9.

4. Book a block of counselling sessions to help you come to terms with the children’s love for splashing in the gutters of piss.

I hope you find these tips helpful. Remember to come back over next week for the start of my interactive series entitled, ‘Why Gnawing Your Own Leg Off is More Fun Than Swimming Lessons!’


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