Difficulty: Severe

Preparation Time: 3 hours 46 minutes


  1. 4 slices of bread
  2. Butter
  3. Optimism


  1. Peel sleeping toddler from body and attempt transfer to sofa.
  2. Sit for 3 minutes in deathly silence being careful not to breathe.
  3. Scurry off to kitchen with gay abandon.
  4. Trip over toy.
  5. Spot dishes at sink that need to be dealt with before joyous child-free toast eating.
  6. Throw clothes into washing machine. Be vaguely aware of poo smell.
  7. Remember about making toast.
  8. Put 2 slices of bread in toaster.
  9. Realise you may never again have chance to eat without being repeatedly prodded in the eyeball with a plastic Iggle Piggle.
  10. Add 2 more slices of bread.
  11. Momentarily recall The Diet.
  12. Swiftly dismiss memories of The Diet.
  13. Fret that popping-up of toaster will awaken sleeping toddler.
  14. Fret that buttering of toast will awaken toddler.
  15. Fret that your thoughts will awaken toddler.
  16. Anxiously creep towards, and peer at, toddler.
  17. Check toddler is still breathing.
  18. Bring plate of toast over to sit near sleeping toddler.
  19. Try not to crunch toast too loudly.
  20. Feel the beginnings of relaxation.
  21. Watch helplessly as sleeping toddler abruptly awakens.
  22. Allow toddler to take all of the toast.
  23. Eat custard creams.


  1. 16th August 2018 / 9:40 pm

    I love you me 😂

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