10 More Things That Get On My Goat

Following my previous “10 Things That Get on My Goat” post, I give you the creatively titled….


1. Physically Impaired Shopping Trolleys

There is no way to look cool if you’re pushing a shopping trolley with a gammy wheel.

And the problem is that they never show any obvious signs of impairment when you’re choosing one.

Then, just as you’re about to break into a canter towards the white wine, you’re thumping along the aisles with a limping metal invalid on your hands.

You’ll get smug looks from fellow shoppers who glide smoothly past you with their robust, well-oiled machines, while there you are bumping along trying (and failing) to look as though it’s not as emotionally painful as it is.


2. Ripped End-of-Roll Remnant Woes

I’ll just leave you with this visual aide.


3. Dawdlers

I’m prepared to make an exception for the elderly and those with a pre-existing medical condition.

Everyone else, can you please come down from the cloud you’re  floating around in and reacquaint yourself with the use of your legs?

The worst are the people who dawdle along the street, as though out for a gentle Sunday walk by a stream, then hover right in the entrance to shops as they decide whether it would be a suitable spot for a picnic.

4. Being told in Superdrug that selected fragrances are on offer

It’s always more of a command than a suggestion isn’t it? You’re told (in a passive aggressive tone) that a selection of the perfumes are on offer, then there follows a tense silence.

I used to go through the motions of looking interested, sometimes even going so far as to pretend to peruse said fragrance selection.

But, alas, the years have hardened me to pushy Superdrug workers and I now reply with the mysterious response of, “great, thanks.” Am I interested, am I not? Who knows?


5. Children’s books with wiggly/ woggly/ upside down/ sideways/ curly/ spiralling text

I went off on one about this on my blog’s Facebook page a while back.

Clearly these authors and illustrators have a deep-seated hatred of parents worldwide and rather than pursue a life of crime they’ve turned to writing optically challenging books for parents to squint their way through.


6. Gender Neutral

I’m sorry but it’s gone too far. It’s utterly ridiculous. Are we all supposed to blend into yellow-wearing indiscriminate cyborgs?

Please, if you need to campaign tirelessly for a cause, there are plenty of better ones out there to choose from, like, oh I don’t know, getting aid out to the areas of East Africa affected by famine?


7. That an All-Chocolate KitKat hasn’t been brought out yet

There’s only one thing more exciting than Christmas morning and that’s when the machine in the KitKat factory has malfunctioned and you end up with a stick that’s purely chocolate.

Why Nestle haven’t released a whole bar version of this wafer-free dream scenario is beyond me.


8. Beauty and the Beast Rose Bath Petals

I spotted these in a magazine the other day and haven’t been right since.

So many questions.

Who puts rose petals in their bath? Do they accumulate in the plughole post-bath? If you are partial to rose petals in your bath, what right-minded adult would specifically require Beauty & the Beast ones? What exactly (apart from the packaging) is Beauty and the Beast about these petals? They look plain pink to me. Lastly, “exclusive???????” Did you mean, ”we’re the only ones selling these as nowhere else wanted them?”


9. Petrol Pump Panic

Head in to pay for your petrol or diesel and you’re sure to be faced with the familiar question, “what pump are you at?”

At this point, the colour drains from my face as I search the forecourt with my frantic eyes, trying to decipher the impossible logic of the pump numbering system.

Is pump 9 to the right of pump 8 or on the other side of it?? Is the pump number even displayed on the side I’m looking out at?

I usually end up pointing limply towards my car, unable to find the right words.


10. The phrase “take a chill pill.”

Firstly, I wasn’t angry, but I am now.

Secondly, this expression was acceptable, perhaps even somewhat fashionable, in 2001; the year is 2017.


Am I being cantankerous and wholly unreasonable? Is there anything in my list that annoys you too or do you practice meditation and take Valium? As always, I love to hear from you!


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