Becoming a parent is a steep learning curve. There are many things you can prepare yourself for but many, many more that you can’t. So it’s gas masks and hand sanitiser at the ready as we take a look at some of the more surprising aspects of being a Mum…
1. You will be expected to answer questions such as, “If I vomit could my whole skeleton come out?” and, “Mummy, can you smell my fart?” as you’re queuing with a loaf of bread at the Spar.
2. It’s trickier than it looks to get a poo out of the bath. Bath floaters are deceivingly evasive and tend to be carried off by a current produced by your frantic attempts to contain them.
3. Such will be your desperation for interaction with adults at times, you may find yourself telephoning Gladstone Brookes to check if you’re owed PPI.
4. Kids don’t sleep. Ever. Anyone who tells you theirs do is so sleep-deprived they have started to hallucinate – send an ambulance.
5. The iPad you vowed never to give to your child will be given to your child.
6. You will develop mild feelings of attraction towards Justin Fletcher. Let’s face it, Brad isn’t going to look twice at you with soggy Coco Pops in your hair so you will lower your standards accordingly. Trust me new mums, he’s a grower; never say never.
7. Clark’s kids’ shoes are expensive. And trips to Clark’s to get the kids shod are as frightening as the prices. The fumes from all the leather will send your children into full wildlife mode and you will emerge a fraction of your former self.
8. You will sling a lot of passive aggressive remarks towards your other half via the kids. For example, “Why don’t you ask Daddy to tie your laces love, he doesn’t look to be doing much as per.”
9. Your home will never again be the tidy, aesthetically-pleasing sanctuary it once was. You will be knee-deep in plastic from China and find mounds of regurgitated biscuit in unusual places.
10. Your previously normal reactions to life events will become wildly disproportionate. You will cry bitter tears of doom when they won’t eat their chicken dippers. And you’ll air-leap like a flying squirrel with sheer jubilation because they said their one ‘baa’ as sheep no.3 in the nativity with so much expression.
11. You will settle down to write a blog post entitled, “20 (Surprising) Things I Didn’t Know Before I Became a Mum,” but be interrupted so many times by various miniature assassins that you give up at number 11.