How To Survive the Holidays Without Tasering Your Children

8 weeks is long time to have to put up with your own children.  Unless you are heavily sedated, the summer holidays can be stressful.  On one hand, it is absolutely lovely to have your children at home, free from the confines of routine and homework and all the other extracurricular trimmings that go with term time.  On the other hand, you will be searching Amazon for a taser after the first 5 howls of “I’M BOOOOORED!!!!”

Step away from your Prime subscription, fellow parents, here are 5 handy tips for surviving the summer without tasering the little rascals.

1. Invest in one of those things tennis players use to practice.  The machine that fires out balls at speed.  Except, load it with snacks, aim it towards the children on a setting of 1-minute intervals throughout the day and you’ll be drinking a cup of hot tea before you can say, “No, you cannot die from taking a packet of Pom Bears to the forehead, love.”

2. Tell them you’ve had a delivery of the latest Scratch Art and lead them to the porridge that’s dried on to the kitchen tiles.  Make it more fun by giving them colourful spoons to chisel the concreted porridge.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, fall into the “play date” trap.  Play dates are not your friend, unless you enjoy having every toy your children own pulled out, dismantled then tipped into the toilet.  Expect them to make a start on the wardrobes too if you’ve given them all a Fruit Shoot.

4. Play hide and seek.  When it’s your turn to hide, run outside, get in the car and go to France. They’ll never find you there and they have lovely, soothing wine to drink. Always remember to leave a responsible adult behind though, no one needs a tussle with Social Services on the way through airport security.

5. If all else fails, throw yourself into the madness, embrace it and pray that none of them find the Kinetic Sand.


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