The Alternative Adventures of Abney and Teal: Teal Goes Out!

One afternoon there was more chaos than usual at the Abney and Teal residence.

Teal was going out that very evening! She was wetting herself with excitement (her pelvic floor wasn’t what it once was).

Unfortunately, Abney had been gripped by a light cold but was struggling on and trying his best to restrain the children while Teal got ready.


Teal had been wearing her turquoise leggings for 6 years. “It will be nice for them to get a little wash,” she thought.

It only took Teal 4 hours to find her pre-baby clothes at the back of the wardrobe. She spritzed herself with a little bit of her new perfume, “L’Eau de Denial,” and decided on one of her pre-baby, posh, “going out for dinner” dresses.

Soon Teal was ready.


I SO still have it,” she thought to herself as she took the smallest of steps and made her way towards her car keys. This wasn’t an easy task, Teal’s lung capacity had been reduced to approximately 14%.
As Teal was heading out to the car there were scenes of protest from indignant children, horrified that their mother was cruelly abandoning them for 2 hours.

It took Teal some time to reacquaint herself with driving in darkness, having not been out after 6pm since 2011, but eventually she arrived at the restaurant, where her friend, Pre-Kids Barbie, was already waiting.


The friends enjoyed a lovely meal. Pre-Kids Barbie regaled Teal with tales of her recent shopping trip to New York, where she’d been able to squeeze in a Broadway show. She smiled smugly as she told Teal of how her boyfriend, who had abs and not a beer gunt, had bought her a beautiful pair of expensive earrings from Tiffany’s that went super well with some of the Vera Wang champagne flutes she’d treated herself to recently.

Teal regaled Pre-Kids Barbie with tales of how she’d fished poo out of the bath the night before and about how Abney had treated her to the M&S Dine In for £10 offer once.


It was soon time to go home; Teal had fallen asleep in her dessert and Pre-Kids Barbie needed to rush off to meet thin, carefree friends in town for drinks.

They bid each other a fond farewell and agreed to catch up in another 6 years’ time, which was when Teal envisaged next being able to leave the house alone.

Once home, Teal slipped out of her dress and into her comfy turquoise leggings.

Everyone was asleep, AND her darling Abney had made a gallant effort to tidy up before he’d nodded off.


All’s well that ends well,” thought Teal as she sank into her pillow, looking forward to a long 3-hour sleep.

Night night everyone, night night.

“Abney and Teal how does it feel when Mummy goes out for the evening; it’s an unusual event, it happens once a decade, but it’s fun, fun Mum going out for the evening…”

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