Dear Lawn…

Dear Lawn,

You were soooo dreamy when we first met!!

I thought how good you’d be for my kids and how well we’d all get on together.

I had imagined us all sat in the sunshine sipping Pimms, perhaps on some low budget outdoor furniture from Argos. There might even have been a tacky lantern or two, just because.

I’d imagined my kids rolling around on your lush, well-manicured green; laughing, playing ball, hell, I was even going to let you meet our paddling pool.

And at first everything was so good between us.

My friends would comment on how beautiful you were, and I definitely saw a neighbour or two checking you out when they thought their lawns weren’t looking.

At first I relished nurturing you. I let you drink from our garden hose when you were thirsty and fed you random grass feed shit from B&Q when you were weak.

But now…well there’s no way of sugar coating this….I hate you, you shitty green scourge on my existence.

You’ve caused problems in my marriage. We argue at least once a week in the summer months about you.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, you start inviting any old greenery over; thistles, clover, weird-coloured weeds, weird stuff I don’t know the name of.
I don’t need that kind of shit on my property, lawn.

And you’re starting to let yourself go a bit if I’m honest. You’re looking unkempt and a bit rough round the edges. Like, hello, strim much?!

So lawn, I’ve just about had enough.

I’m getting professional help.

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7 Comments

  1. 23rd August 2017 / 5:57 am

    I’ll introduce your lawn to mine. Sounds like they have a lot in common!
    Running out of words to describe how funny Jemma’s writing is. Just sit back, read and enjoy…..

  2. 25th August 2017 / 7:22 am

    I can’t even talk to my lawn. It’s a freaking meadow. I’m not loving it’s obvious delight in accessorising with every weed going. Let’s not even talk about the length #blogstravanza

  3. 25th August 2017 / 10:01 am

    I can relate to this! We get a good supply of mushrooms in ours as well, which seem to pop up whilst I’m still winding up the lawnmower cord… #Blogstravaganza

  4. 26th August 2017 / 12:45 pm

    ‘Started inviting any old greenery over’ hahahahaha!!! Love it! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

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