Dear Neighbour…Sorry about the Growl-Shouting, etc.

Dear Neighbour,

I understand you must be quite alarmed.

Looking out each morning, you probably expect to see birds fluttering by and the grass swaying gently in the new day’s breeze.

It’s must be quite a shock to clap eyes on a wild-haired woman wielding a hair brush, chasing children and growl-shouting in monosyllables – ‘BAGS! SHOES! CAR! NOW!!’

I promise you it’s not how it looks!

No, no dear neighbour.

IT’S WORSE.

Oh peaceful, low-key neighbour, you see, my children are MENTAL and will only do as they’re told if I promise they can have Haribo sandwiches for lunch. This is obviously not ideal and so they spend most of their day in a state of loud disobedience. Take this morning for instance. I asked my son to brush his hair EIGHT times before having to resort to CHASING him as he lapped the house on his scooter. I had to sort of leap at him and brush opportunistic sections of his hair as I ran.

And I bet you thought we were off swimming this morning didn’t you? When you saw me ushering a toddler to the car wearing armbands? WE WERE GOING TO LIDL.

I hope this helps to explain the situation and sorry that you’re not able to enjoy peaceful occupation of your property. I envisage the situation to be temporary, however, as I am on the lookout for someone locally who can supply me with tranquilliser darts.

Until then, apologies and sorry about the time my son squirted a water pistol at your face.

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