Lost

Sometimes in the still of the evening, when the cacophony of chatter and laughter from the day past has quietened to nothing, I worry what will be left of me once my children are grown.

Sometimes I worry I’ve given too much of myself away, kept nothing back for when they’re gone.

Where there was once a fiercely ambitious, size 10 go-getter, there’s now an out of shape, gooey-hearted blob of grey with no face or name, silently serving the role of ‘Mum.’

As I’m sure is the case for all parents, I’ve put everything of myself into the raising of my children. I’ve all but disappeared, swallowed up into the cheerful chaos of the past few years.

Those countless mornings when I’ve made do with a hastily ingested Penguin bar, washed down with lukewarm coffee, in order to devote myself to getting little ones to eat their porridge and fresh fruit…I forgot that I too have a body that needs nourishing food.

The afternoons bent over studious little heads, helping with homework, urging them on and reminding them of the importance of education….I forgot how my own education lies dormant, untapped and unused for now.

The sunny mornings I stand alone in the park watching on as my children chatter brightly to new friends….I forgot that I too need companionship.

All the rainy afternoons when the TV is instinctively switched on to CBeebies…I forgot how much I love a good crime drama.

All the busy days of fun when I walk straight to the children’s section of the library…I forgot how wonderful it feels to spend an entire day curled up with a good book.

I’ve given them all of me. Was it too much? Was it the wrong thing to do?

I recognise that a time will come in the near future when I’ll start to find pieces of me again. I’ll carve out more time to rediscover the things I love.

Heck, I might even find more time to blog and treat my lovely readers to well-written pieces rather than the hurried, poorly formed Facebook posts they’ve grown accustomed to.

I hope something of me is salvageable. I hope there’ll be something left.

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2 Comments

  1. 20th July 2018 / 12:28 pm

    I have had so many moments of feeling exactly the same luv. I referred to myself for awhile as the cow (because i was breastfeeding so much) that cooks and cleans because i was no longer me. Blogging has helped me to find me again. Good luck finding you and not just being mumma. #BlogCrush

  2. 25th July 2018 / 3:20 pm

    Oh this post really resonated with me. I love being a mama, and instinctively throw everything at it but, as you say, it’s so easy to forget ourselves, and what WILL be left at the end of it all. Someone else obviously liked this post too because they added it to the BlogCrush linky for some extra exposure. Congratulations! Feel free to grab your “I’ve been featured” blog badge from my site. #blogcrush

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