Dear Pile of C.R.A.P. (Coupons, Receipts And (other generic) Papers)
When I decided you could stay for a bit on my kitchen worktop you were only a baby. You were a mere 3, maybe 4 at a push, school letters. You looked so neat and innocent I couldn’t resist letting you shack up in that cosy little corner right next to our toaster.
But, oh C.R.A.P., how you have grown in these last couple of months.
I think Daddy has been feeding you.
I’ve told him not to, because he mostly feeds you the rubbish we get in the post that we really don’t need. And I’ve told him umpteen times that political campaign leaflets and Tesco mail drops are not good for you.
Actually C.R.A.P., I think that’s why we’ve grown apart. I used to think you were a pile of C.R.A.P. with substance, meaning.
I used to think you were all about the important things in life, like school reports, maybe a rates bill here and there, a decent Sainsbury’s coupon or two even.
Lately, I’ve seen a side of you that I just don’t like C.R.A.P. – like the packet of TicTacs that fell out of you the other day, and the takeaway menu from the Chinese down the road.
And sometimes I feel as though you’re deliberately trying to hurt me C.R.A.P.
Like on Wednesday, when I was trying to have an important conversation with you (about a form I was supposed to have signed a week ago) and you just fell to the floor.
Was that REALLY the time to be such a massive drama queen C.R.A.P.?
It’s not always about you! It was almost as if you weren’t even listening…it was as if you didn’t care that I was late and REALLY needed that form.
Sorry, I just don’t know who you are anymore C.R.A.P. and I feel as though some day I might scatter you with my bare hands…..or worse….put you into the recycling bin.
Daddy is so much more attached to you than I am but he can live with your lopsided jagged edge better than I.
Every morning as I put some bread into the toaster, I see you out of the corner of my eye. I see you watching, daring me to try to find something amidst your A4 chaos.
Yes I know you can’t forgive me for all the times I gathered you up and put you in a dark cupboard for hours C.R.A.P., but I just couldn’t bear to let our friends and family see you like that. I’m not sure they even know about you.
So C.R.A.P., I think the time has finally come. It’s just not working out anymore, today I’m going to sort you out once and for all.