Ah, the school run.
That time of the day when your blood pressure rises to its highest and your tolerance levels sink to their lowest.
But, love it or hate it, it has to be done.
So, with over 2 years of “school running” in the bag, and being the kind, generous and never remotely sarcastic soul that I am, I have put together 8 tips to help you survive this term time terror.
1. Sock Sadness
Leave AT LEAST 1 HOUR for the putting on of socks.
A few weeks into term they’ll have washed in a bit. When I say “washed in a bit,” what I mean is that you’ll be dealing with two strips of rock hard, rough, shrunken strips of cotton that you’ll have to stretch like a spring chest expander to create an opening large enough for a wriggly foot to be stuffed into.
And no matter how successful you’ve been in stretching the sock, you will always leave out the little toe. Always.
2. Skidding in Sick
On entering the school, you may spot signs such as this one, erected perhaps by a caretaker.
It means someone has vomited up their Haribo.
3. Swerving the Scones
*Warning – this tip contains high levels of slightly unacceptable stereotyping*
Don’t make eye contact with any of the PTA.
If you aren’t sure who’s who, PTA parents will be wearing Joules and carrying Tupperware.
Avoid at all costs or you’ll find yourself roped into baking 8,000 tray bakes for the school coffee morning before you can say “Mary Berry on speed.”
4. Sidestepping Super-Earners
Dive quickly to either your left or right if you see a corporate parent approach.
They’ll be sharply dressed in a very expensive and very black suit, looking at their watch and thundering down the corridor in very expensive clacky shoes.
Get in their way and you will be trampled; their 9am meeting is way more important than your spleen.
5. Several Hundred Silver Coins
Each and every morning, you will be nothing short of LADEN with hundreds of envelopes containing loose change. There’ll be the bog standard dinner money envelope as well as more exotic envelopes such as “refrain from nose picking for a day” sponsorship money and “crafting with tinfoil” after school club fees.
Don’t try to make sense of these.
Hurl them at someone who seems to be employed by the school (the lollipop man is acceptable) then flee.
6. Space Stakes
Coat peg hanging areas are not generous. For every 20cm of school bag width there’s a 5cm wide space in the peg hanging area. You want to get in before that lad who has his peg beside your kid’s so that you can claim prime coat/bag position.
7. Sweating for Shortbread
Complement anyone you see wearing gym clothes even if there’s overhang.
They want the world to know they’re energetic and fit and off to the gym.
Obviously you and I both know they’re only off to Tesco’s to buy shortbread, but it’s easier just to play along with the charade.
8. Swanky Scrapes
And finally, most importantly of all, do NOT accidentally scrape Poshy McPoshface’s Range Rover with your keys in the school car park. That would be very careless and VERY illegal.
Tempting though isn’t it…
Are there cameras in the…
Wait, no. Illegal.