We’re Going on a Shoe Hunt (A Parody)

 

We’re going on a shoe hunt.

We need to find your other black one!

What a shitty day!

We’re late for school!

Uh-oh!! A giant sodding puddle of milk!

A giant sodding puddle of milk with soggy cornflakes floating in it.

We can’t just ignore it,

We can’t go past it,

Oh no!

Mummy will have to clean it!

 

Slop, squelch,

Slop, squelch,

Slop, bloody squelch.

 

We’re going on a shoe hunt.

We need to find your other black one.

What a shitty day!

We’re late for school.

Uh-oh! Take ‘N Play Thomas Trains!

Five hundred and twenty seven Take ‘N Play Thomas Trains expelled from the box Mummy put them into last night.

We can’t go under them (to state the absolute obvious),

We can’t go round them (well we probably could but that’s not how the story goes)

Oh no!

We’ve got to go through them!

 

Stumble, “#$@+%*!

Stumble, “#$@+%*!

Stumble, “#$@+%*!

 

We’re going on a shoe hunt.

We need to find your other black one.

What a shitty day!

We’re late for school.

The cloakroom of doom.

Uh-oh! The cloakroom!

The cloakroom that Mummy has been meaning to clear out since 2013 cloakroom!

We can’t go into it.

No, I mean, we literally can’t get into it.

We’ll have to close the door and pretend it’s not there!

 

We’re going on a shoe hunt.

We need to find your other black one.

What a shitty day!

We’re late for school.

Uh-oh! Bags!

A mound of school bags and lunch bags to rival the sand dunes at Portstewart strand! (A touch exaggerated)

We can’t go round them!

We mustn’t forget them!

We should really put them into the car!

 

Gather, drop!

Gather, drop!

Gather, drop!

 

We’re going on a shoe hunt.

We need to find your other black one.

What a shitty day!

We’re late for school.

 

Uh-oh! Daddy!

It’s grumpy, thinking-he-has-a-hard-day-ahead-because-he’s-in-work-until-4pm Daddy!

We can’t go round him!

We can’t go over him!

We’ll have to go through him (for a shortcut).

 

Mutter swear words at Daddy!

Mutter swear words at Daddy!

Mutter swear words at Daddy!

 

WAIT! WHAT’S THAT?

One black strap!

Two hundred pounds’ worth from Clarks!

Two hundred hairs and random bits of thread stuck in the velcro!

 

IT’S YOUR OTHER SHOE!!!

 

Quick! Back through Daddy (for a shortcut)! Mutter more swear words! Mutter more swear words! Mutter more swear words!

Back to grab the school bags we forgot to put into the car (again)! Gather, drop! Gather, drop! Gather, drop!

Keep ignoring the cloakroom!

Back through the five hundred and twenty seven Take ‘N Play Thomas Trains! Stumble, “#$@+%*! Stumble, “#$@+%*! Stumble, “#$@+%*!

Throw away the reams of kitchen roll Mummy used to clean up the milk and cornflakes! Slop, squelch! Slop, squelch! Slop, bloody squelch!

Get to the school doors.

Open the doors.

To the classroom.

Oh no!

We forgot the school bags!

Dash back home.
Grab the school bags.

Back to the school.

To the classroom.

And breathe (or go find cake, whichever works).

We’re not going on a shoe hunt again (wait, no, actually probably tomorrow).

 

This parody is obviously based on the wonderful “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt” by Michael Rosen – one of my children’s all time favourite reads. 

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13 Comments

  1. 13th October 2017 / 6:38 am

    haha …. very clever. After the shoe hunt comes the never ending debate about actually putting said shoe on! Parenting fun!
    #blogstravaganza

    • 17th October 2017 / 8:17 pm

      Ah yes! The on-putting of the shoe could be a whole separate blog post haha! Thanks for your comment xx

  2. 14th October 2017 / 11:14 am

    Haha I love this! So funny … I remember that book! #blogstravaganza

  3. 14th October 2017 / 8:40 pm

    Jemma, you never fail to put a smile on my face! Another fabulous piece! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

  4. 15th October 2017 / 3:49 pm

    This is brilliant! I laughed out loud then read it to my husband 🙂 #blogstravaganza

    • 17th October 2017 / 8:19 pm

      Aw thanks so much Jo! I did fear I had ruined a particularly brilliant children’s story haha! Thanks for your comment xx

  5. 19th October 2017 / 7:46 pm

    Hahaha, I love this. This is us every morning! x
    #blogstravaganza

  6. 20th October 2017 / 6:59 pm

    this make me giggle out loud, very clever but oh so relatable #blugcrush

  7. 25th October 2017 / 11:23 pm

    I love this so much! I have read bear hunt so many times, I don’t even bother finding the book anymore if D is already in bed and needs a story. Although it’s our fave, this was a very welcome change – I even read it out loud to my husband who was giggling long too! Thanks for sharing #BlogCrush

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