Situations Vacant (the day Mum quit)

Once upon a time in a dark alleyway in the eerie dead of night, a woman confided her forbidden secret to a friend,

Being a mum is hard work!” she whispered, terrified someone would hear. “I think I’m going to take a break and head off on a Royal Caribbean cruise for 3 months…

And so, her family were left stunned and completely at sea (technically she was more at sea than they were but bear with me). They were forced to start the lengthy procedure of recruiting an army of staff to replace her.

To her family’s horror, advertising for mum’s replacement took up 6 pages of the local newspaper (or if you’re tech savvy).

And so, while Mum gets served mojitos by a waiter named Miguel, let’s take a read at a small selection of the job vacancies she left in her wake…

Job Title:                              Senior Waste Management Executive

Job Description:                Responsible for the cleaning and maintenance of all leaky bottoms, on-call responsibility for nappy exchange and sanitisation of all toilets (and potties) approximately 37 times per day. Additional duties will include training more junior household members in how to direct urine into a toilet bowl.

Hours:                                   168 per week

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Chief Negotiator (Specialising in Hostile Situations)

Job Description:                The Chief Negotiator will be expected to arrive first on the scene when a conversation or game becomes hostile. He/she will be expected to find instantaneous solutions to all problems arising, including, but not limited to, who had the iPad for a millisecond longer than everyone else and calculation of how many cubic metres of one sibling’s air was inadvertently inhaled by another sibling. The Chief Negotiator will also be expected to physically intervene and the role does bear the risk of injury from airborne toys in situations of crises, such as siblings accidentally looking at each other or being in the same room.

Hours:                                   Usual hours will be daily between 3pm and 6pm but the successful candidate will be required to work additional hours as and when there has been excessive consumption of E numbers on any given day.

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Calpol Administrator

Job Description:                Administration of regular doses of Calpol to grouchy, irritable juniors with hot foreheads. Calpol Administrators are expected to continue usual duties as normal even if they become infected with the illness themselves, or have been repeatedly vomited over.

Hours:                                   12am – 4am every day between the months of September and November.

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Transport Coordinator

Job Description:                As Transport Coordinator, you will be expected to coordinate the logistical requirements of all family members (even adult ones). Duties include being in two places at once and spending most of your life driving small humans around. Transport Coordinator should ideally have experience in maintaining a good standard of driving ability despite warring siblings in the passenger seats, and be able to coordinate drop-off and collection times with a selectively deaf adult team member. Valid licence essential.

Hours:                                   Every sodding day of your existence.

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Cook

Job Description:                Your duties will include preparing at least 3 nutritionally balanced, yet budget-friendly and delicious, meals per day. You may be required to prepare several variations of each meal including, but not limited to, the cutting of sandwiches into a variety of shapes and dealing with requests for specific colours of serving vessels.

Hours:                                   2,305 per week

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Laundry Manager

Job Description:                Must have experience in dealing with thousands of odd socks. The Laundry Manager is expected to report to senior staff W. Ashing and M. Achine several times per day and should have the turnaround skills of a bionic person. The suitable candidate will have experience in school skirt pleats and front creases in school trousers and will demonstrate an ability to iron same several times per week whilst still retaining an acceptable level of sanity.

Hours:                                   9pm – 11pm every Sunday.

Salary:                                   £0


Job Title:                              Senior Shit Scrubber

Job Description:                You will work closely with the Senior Waster Management Executive and will  be responsible for scrubbing shit off toilet bowls. It won’t even be your own shit. The successful candidate is required to demonstrate an ability to scrub shit while muttering the words “everyone treats me like a slave round here” over and over.

Hours:                                   A good 2 hours a week. Additional hours will be required if visitors are expected.

Salary:                                   £0


I could go on and on…!

Being a mum is tough and we do the job of an entire team of people day in, day out with no breaks, no annual leave and no pay. But one hug given by little arms, one “I love you mummy” spoken by a little mouth, and one look of complete and utter dependence radiating from one pair of little eyes and we’re completely happy to do without the breaks and annual leave and pay.

Miguel and his mojitos don’t sound like a hideous idea all the same.


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