A Short Poem to My Darling Husband

Daddy don’t you know where we keep the toilet cleaner?

No Mummy doesn’t want to get any meaner,

But if you continue to be so bloody useless,

Mummy will clean the toilet with your toothbrush.

 

Daddy can you please just mow the lawn?

Mummy would rather the 10-foot grass was gone,

Daddy you giant sodding lay-about,

Take your plate to the sink or Mummy’s putting you out.

 

Daddy you see that great big fecking basket over there,

That’s for your dirty underwear,

Please start using it more,

Mummy’s done lifting your boxers from the floor.

 

Daddy what a lovely hot cup of coffee you’re enjoying,

Mummy wants to know if you’re being deliberately annoying,

Do you see Mummy’s just been shat on,

No it’s not funny you immature moron.

 

Daddy, Mummy has been conspiring,

Whilst doing all the ironing,

And she would like you to lift your bum from the chair,

So she could go wash baby sick from her hair.

 

Daddy please don’t hold the baby like a rugby ball,

While Mummy’s at Sainsbury’s on a wine haul,

Daddy why can’t you use their matching pjs?

Mummy is getting tired of your twatty ways.

 

Oh Daddy you do earn a lot of money,

But do you know what would be ever so funny?

If you did Mummy’s job for a day.

It’s a 24-hour shift with no effing pay.

 

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